?

When you have nothing to say why do they tell you to say nothing at all?
That heals nothing, fixes nothing and leaves you asking your self why and how did you get here.

Why when you have a pain in your heart so deep you can't breath all you want to do is blame your self for that pain when you are not the one who caused it?

Why cant you sleep at night if you dont have your someone next to you no matter how much you are mad at them and don't want them there?

Why when you read this will you ask me whats wrong instead of looking inward your own crap?

Who has answeres, who really wants them? Why is there so may more whys than answers?

Take care of my sheep. . .

When He speaks it is always simple
Yet so hard to follow.
The questions and doubt always rise up in my mind.
Who?
When?
How?
I Know the answers and I failed.
I run a way form his sheep and lead them to a pack of wolfs.
Around this mountain again I am doomed to go until I let go and obey.

To His sheep I am sorry, I will never forgive myself for I am a greedy child.
To my love I need your tender mercy yet again to make me new like so many time before.

When will I learn? The pleasures of this world will always fail me.

When Will I learn.

I wish I could say next time will be different
I wish I could say it will never happen again
Yet again
I would be cough in a lie.
One that knows know bottom
No bounds
Just death.

One day it will be better
One day I will be balance
One day
but
Not soon enough for me.

Wide eyed and wishing they were shut.

Only now in the mist of not knowing am I calm and healing.
My chest feels like a scab on my knee.
Every time my heart beats it reminds me of the place I am in.
Lost jobs
found souls
do you see what I see?
I cant usher a soul in to the kingdom I cant manage to stay there my self.
To what degree do I need to be just to make it
I cant mask the pain it hurts to much to care what people think.
The pain of being the same just got greater than staying the same.
I say this with No emo intent
just a broken and healing heart.

One blessed week!

More and more God is showing me who He is.
This week has been great
Sunday: Jimi and I had break through :D
Monday-Friday. . . walking in a dream
Saturday: Woman's breakfast and homework.
Thank you Lord for good weeks!

Inside. . . . . out

Where do I begin. . . .
Since I was let out of the hospital I have felt very off.
Moody and in a dull pain all the time in my legs, this leads me to be quite the B word at times. Pain makes you Crazy this is what I have come to understand.
Pain Also brings out the truth in you, How deceptive and how hurt full you can be to the ppl you "Love".
For crying out loud I would lie about taking IBU b/c I did not want Jimi to be mad at me b/c i knew if I took more I could be badly hurt or die. No joke there.
But to me it was cry w/pain or take the pill. It was either that pill or the Vicodin and that was making me CRAZYer than I am.
I started going to a Christian Dr, the kind that a line your back, he and his wife also do food median, So I have been doing that working great it has brought the pain down to the dull throb I have now, Them and the power of prayer.
I say all of that b/c my heart feels troubled, could be PMS for sure, could be true feelings of left behind. . . More like it. All's I wanted this weekend was family bliss, Jimi and I to get along under stress is more like what I wanted, and I failed, I failed and brought him down w/me . . . again.
I have come to the question how do you free some one you have bound to fail with you.
How do you take that chain away from them and stop tripping them with it,
HOW
HOW
HOW
How do you stop HURTING who they are and what they Love!!!!!
HOW DAMN IT
HOW
SomeONE HELP ME
SOMEONE TELL ME HOW
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE THIS IS ALL I HAVE POORED OUT BEFORE YOU PLEASE AS I SIT HERE IN SOBS OF TEARS PLEASE. . . .
I want my husbands heart back how he looked to me in admiration and love, not pain and wondering how I am going to hurt his feelings.
I want my health back I want my love for ppl back, i dont want to be hard of heart anymore please. . .
If you respond to this note please stop and think am I right with God . . .

If you are not please don't try. no disrespect

I need GODLY advice not MIXED with one had in this world and one had in the bible,
I need an all or nothing
I need a WOMAN or MAN of God that is sold out for GOD ALL THE WAY that CARES ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT TRUE THAT JUST CARES ABOUT HOLINESS TO COME IN AND SET ME STRAIGHT

SOMEONE WHO WON'T SUGAR COAT THINGS AND TELL WHAT GOD HAS CALLED YOU TO TELL ME NOT YOUR WORDS DAMN IT GODS WORDS.

Where have all the ppl gone. . . .

Hopscotching with Cheerios

Some times I think Life is like a hopscotch board
remember when you were little you threw stones
to see where you could not land,
well now picture the stone as a cheerio
there is not one, there is A Million of them
The Hopscotch board is now you kitchen floor
Every where you walk you are crunching them and wiping off crumbs
Every time you think your ahead
It's only because your wiping off your feet
The cycle leads you to believe that no matter what you will always step on cheerios.

If you feet never know dirty they never know clean.
If you never have felt sorrow you will never understand happiness
If you never have cried you will never understand the Joy of a laugh

All this to say I am bless to be where I am while I am here, b/c it is only a time and how Long I do not know.

Every day a new adventure
Every night another prayer to thank Him for the day.
Remember it was not promised, non of them are.

Gen. 24

Gods' ppl
God's promise to make a nation out of Abraham
Was almost unfilled bc Rebecka was barren. . . .
UNTIL.................................................................
Issac prayed for here and she carried not 1 but 2 Nations in her belly!!!!
That's my hope and I'm stickin' to it!!!